I have read a lot of medical journals, which makes me an expert in the information I’ve read in medical journals written by people who actually practice medicine.  Which, based on another article I read recently apparently makes me a Doctor.  So I’m excited about that.  But the point of this is not to mention my doctorate, but rather to talk about how much I know about being a doctor because of my ability to read and regurgitate information found inside those medical journals.  Nevermind the fact that when I had to apply a bandaid recently I somehow managed to staple my thumb to the floor.  No, in the books I’ve read they never mention that it’s a requirement to actually be good at practicing medicine and healing people - so long as I read the article and can repeat what I read.  Which I can.

For example, did you know that Prednisone is a commonly prescribed corticosteroid used to treat inflammation and has a number of side effects?  Of course you didn’t - you’re not a well read practitioner of medicine the way I am.  I read another medical journal article while I was writing this.  What is important to know about Prednisone is that while it’s used to treat inflammation of the bowels, it can actually cause abdominal pain and bloody, black tarry stools.  Betcha didn’t know that, moron.  But I do.

I read recently, in a medical book I picked up at a college bookstore (it’s a book for PhD students, but I bought it anyway because I didn’t have it and I like to read and regurgitate information) that there is actually a syndrome called “Alien Hand Syndrome” where someone’s hand seems to have a mind of it’s own.  Apparently, the brain has been proven to be able to compartmentalize actions for one or more limbs and to control them without direction from the conscious mind.  This might mean that your brain, unbeknownst to you, told your hand to slap someone in the face.  Crazy right?  Well, that’s medical science for you.

I also have a theory that if I apply a bandaid to myself that I am also equally capable of open heart surgery.  According to a recent survey, the 1 respondent said that the paper cut stopped bleeding and healed in days.  Based on this data, I believe the bandaid will be able to heal a heart.  The results of the data suggest that in 100% of the cases, the bandaid healed the wound.  Because I’ve read a lot of medical books, and as a result, am a Doctor, I’m going to test this theory.

Thank god I can remember everything I read in books and am a highly qualified surgeon.

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